I’m in the middle of the biggest crisis I have ever experienced. Greater than my partner threatening my life, greater than being totally broke and not able to pay my rent in December in the Midwest (can we say COLD?). It is literally the biggest crisis of my life.
I don’t know the next step on my path.
I know. Maybe I’m making this a bigger deal than it should be, but this IS a really big deal. I am sitting in this dead-end job, totally unhappy and coming home crying every day. I feel like I’m too big for my skin, too big for my apartment, too big for my life as it is right now. See, I have this incredible girlfriend, I’m making all these great friends, and I just don’t fit in my old life, my old way of being. I mean, I REALLY don’t fit anymore.
And so I spend my free time looking at job postings, thinking about what I am qualified for, what I can fake my way into, and wondering how rigid rules at particular business might be (I don’t have a master’s in English yet, but I’m planning on it, does that count?) so that I can do meaningful work that makes a difference in the world and feeds my soul.
If you know me at all (personally), you know that my personal passion and dream is to teach English and Writing, primarily at the college level, with opportunities to work at writing conferences and community centers. I live in a big city, so there should be plenty of opportunities for this. Here’s my dilemma:
I don’t have an advanced degree, and I’m not independently wealthy, so I’m scared to go into even further debt going to graduate school when there is no guarantee that I can pay off my loans working as an academic and writer in this shifting economy.
So I’m (once again) considering applying to the MFA program here at UW, but I have such a struggling attitude toward this, as I’m not sure I want to spend thousands of dollars on an education here, but I’m not moving anytime soon (the family ties are too strong, and love too deep). I just wish I could sit and talk it all out with someone with a caring heart and loving ear so that I could figure all this crap out. My girlfriend is great, don’t get me wrong, but she has a lot of her own stuff to figure out right now (how to get full possession of her house from her ex, a legitimate and amicable parenting agreement, etc). I don’t want to be an extra burden.
I mean, I can’t even afford to buy food, and all my previous loans are in forebearance, and I’m thinking about spending more money.
But I just haven’t found a way to be teaching writing without an advanced degree.
So I’m having a crisis. A complete, breakdown, life-altering, existential crisis. And I don’t know where to turn, and I don’t know who to ask for help (or how), and I keep it all locked inside and I try not to hyperventilate and I spend my afternoons and weekends looking for work and looking for a new job and looking, looking, looking for myself and my life.
Sometimes, I lay awake tossing and turning, wishing that there was a magic button I could push, to make it all fall into place, wishing that all those nights I spend figure out exactly what I want and how my ideal life, my dreams, look in my life would make it all materialize as physical life and then I could have all the extra weight off my chest, my lungs, my heart, and just breathe.
That’s my life. This is my existence right now, struggling, treading water, seeking clarity, seeking wisdom, sitting in the turmoil, the change, and just asking: Please, let me get through this and find peace.
This could be a really long comment, but I am going to try to keep it brief. I know this feeling and, oh, I understand the way it is very real and very painful and very frustrating. But just remember that it is also very exciting, very hopeful, and filled with a hell of a lot of potential. My friend, Jamie, call these feelings growing pains. And, yes, I agree!! Ouch!
I keep thinking that might doubt is going to disappear, but I’m beginning to learn that it just aint that easy and so I’m going to share with you a few things that I do to ease the pain a bit. You can do what you want with them…
*write in my journal every last thought until i don’t have anything no matter how redundant i am…eventually i get sick enough of myself that my story starts to change.
*start a “wish box.” write all your wishes, dreams and desires onto beautiful little pieces of paper and put them into the box.
*start a “gratitude box” to put all those wishes in that came true. ;)
*do collages for the way you want your life to look…and then believe in its beauty.
*be PRO-ACTIVE! put yourself out there–fearlessly, shamelessly. you want it? go get it.
*surround yourself in positive thinking–books, blogs, friends…
*avoid negative thinking and naysayers.
*don’t give up. and what I mean by that is do NOT stop believing in yourself or your dream. it would be a pity if you stopped working towards your dream just before it was about to happen!
*remind yourself often that the universe WILL take care of you. learn to let go of the stuff you can’t control and let the universe take care of it for you.
*be open to the unexpected! heck, you might even want to start expecting it. ;)
ok…how’s that? :) i’ll tell you what…it helps me just writing this list! i don’t thing the struggle ever goes away totally. all i know is that you are a beautiful, intelligent, sensitive, shining person–and i believe in you!
er, um…never mind all my spelling errors, ect. i think i should reread my comments before publishing them!
I have fallen into the trap of undertaking more education when baffled about where to go in life and what to do. It isn’t strictly accurate to call it a “trap” though, no education is ever wasted and I have no regrets.
But from a purely practical and realistic point of view – are you sure that now is the time to pay out a massive amount of money for an MFA? I definitely think it is something that you should do for the future – I don’t know you, but I have been following your various blogs for some time and you are certainly a gifted writer with a gentle yet strong ability to turn words into something magical.
I entered law school thinking that the astronomical amount of money I was paying in tuition wouldn’t matter so much when I graduated and started making good money. Alas, employment opportunities were few and I have no passion for legal work. Of course you have a passion for writing so we are different, but is getting a job teaching English at the college level really possible with just an MFA and limited experience, no matter how extraordinarily gifted you are?
I feel mean, Gentle Willow, but I am not trying to be harsh. I just identify with the general experience and would not like to see you financially drown.
I suggest travel as a balm for the new and interesting. A different city, a different state, a change of pace, a finding of oneself.
I wish you sunshine and starlight to guide your way.
And I love Jessie’s suggestions and am going to use some of them for myself! :)
I can’t help but say something. I’ve been here, and I believe an education is imperative, especially in this economy. But with your tight finances, you will have to seek financial assistance elsewhere–namely, within the school.
Though some have, I would never recommend putting out a dime for graduate school. Look for a teaching assistantship (you’re going to need that experience if you want to teach at a college–community or 4-year) or a research assistantship (my GA was considered a research assistantship because I didn’t teach, though I worked as an editorial assistant for a journal on campus). The U of W-Madison is a huge school–they should have 20 or 30 teaching assistantships available. We have over 30 here at EMU. And the research assistantships number near 30, as well, because you can find work in other departments (Admissions, School of Education, etc.).
Look for scholarships the department and/or school may have. I’m not sure what the university you are interested in attending has, but EMU has fellowships for grad students. They usually aren’t huge–just enough to help curb the cost of books and fees. But they’re something.
A graduate assistantship is the best, but you should be able to get some help–if only just a little.
Sara – I want to talk to you. Can’t figure out how else except to leave you a message here. You still need to tutor me in knitting. I too am changed, by the way.