Well, it’s officially Spring weather here: it’s sunny one minute and pouring rain the next. Makes it fun to walk about town, but I’ve taking to stowing my rainjacket on my pack, so I’m always prepared. At least, that’s the illusion I’m telling myself.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about illusion. See, I am reading these books by Cheri Huber, an American Zen monk, and so my mind is rapidly expanding, which also means I’m often confused. It’s that whole the idea is freedom and everything you know is not really what you know, and so then I’m constantly questioning my reality and my existence, which I guess is the idea, but it gets exhausting sometimes to constantly question and not ever be certain of the answer. The quest for universal truth, or just personal truth, or just Truth, whatever it might be.
These days I’m surviving. Times are tough, working in retail, and I haven’t quite figured out how to freelance myself out (if you need an editor/copyeditor, email me!), so I’m surviving. Last week, I lost my bus pass, a monthly fare, the day after I got it. I know it has to be somewhere in my apartment, I just don’t know where. And so that makes me very sad, because my budget doesn’t currently have wiggle-room for an extra $50 for a new one. So, surviving is key.
I guess the important thing is to be grateful for what I do have: a loving relationship, food on the table (most days), deep friendships which are complex and enriching, and a voracious hunger for learning, for growth, for something more than my own meager existence. And that must count for something.
To all my friends and comrades, I love you. Thank you for keeping me strong.
