There’s a woman meeting with her sponsor next to me at the Cafe, and it’s interesting to me, never being part of the alcoholism world, because I’m not listening to them, but I keep catching snippets of sentences. “Summertime is a trigger, I need to be honest with my friends, I need to be honest with my husband.” It’s curious because I’m having a mental response to the things I’m hearing, like the Universe has put these women next to me for a reason. And the one who is not the sponsor is named Sarah, so it’s even more of a difficulty to not hear because the sponsor says “Sarah, that is so …” and I then I can’t remember she’s not talking to me.
I came here to check my email, to do some work on web design and figure out this phase of my life. I got some good books from the library yesterday, most of which came recommended by Jessie. I’m excited to be reading again, devouring book after book and absorbing everything I can about everything I am interested in and not holding myself back on my interests and my voracity to learn. The Universe’s infinite possibilities are opening on my path, and so I am almost glassy-eyed in wonder at all that is before me.
My lover and I watched the beginning of “The Secret” last night. I’ll admit, some parts of it are extremely hokey and over-dramatic. Some of the interviews are curious, and it totally echoes (or rips off) “What the Bleep!” on multiple levels, but the idea is genuine, and it’s something I’m living in right now. All the possibility before me …
So, perhaps I’m on a threshold, my life in a pause as I look at all the things I have behind me, all the things I’m ready to shed, to leave behind me because it does not serve me. I think I’m actually ready to let them go, the past habits and mechanisms which no longer work in my benefit, and create a new possibility, a new life for myself, complete with magick and wonder and mystery and joy. I want to paint, and write, and draw and create and be full of the love and joy which surrounds me.
I woke up this morning to receive a massage from my lover (who is professionally trained) before she left to spend the day with her daughter. It was very deep for me, because I spent the night dreaming about possibility and about leaving behind the things that weren’t working for me. I was leaving garbage bags of old leaves and sticks and twigs on the path as I was walking, and each pile of bags was a habit or mechanism that no longer serves me. It was curious to notice how big some of the piles were, and how long I lingered at them, not wanting to move, not sure if I could really let them go.
I am ready to release:
- My fear that I am imperfect
- My belief that I am imperfect
- My fear that I am unworthy of love
- My belief that I will not have enough
- My belief that I am not strong enough
- My belief that fear keeps me safe
- My belief that I deserve pain
- My belief that I do not deserve love
With the Spring comes new leaves, and new opportunities for me to become healthy. I am ready for the green.
Girl, there is some powerful stuff in here! I get the feeling that you are in the process of making some very significant movements forward. I can’t help but agree that those two women were indeed a part of your focused reality because what they had to say was helpful to you. It’s down right weird how that works. Last week a customer, a complete stranger, stopped me in my tracks, grabbed hold of my arm and, out of nowhere, told me the story of how she recently quit a job that made her unhappy and once she did so the whole world opened up for her. Um, excuse me…coincidence?? I’m willing to believe that we attract certain things into our lives…including the messages we need to hear.
As for your dream…WOW!! That is incredible. This post speaks to me on such a deep level and in so many ways! And, dang, this comment could stretch into oblivion. I need to write you a letter!!! I got your little purple letter yesterday and loved reading your words! Gosh, I’m glad we know each other. ;)